The Shock

 

I have been crying for most of the day. As soon as I opened my eyes this morning I was in bits. I am just filled with this overwhelming fear that has my stomach in knots. I'm not eating well. I'm not sleeping well. I'm just trapped in this body with cancer and I can't escape from it.

I am aware of how negative I am sounding and I am aware that I need to be positive but you know what, this is my cancer and this is how it is making me feel.

I have discovered a brilliant website called Breast Cancer Care and it is full of all kinds of information and advice on breast cancer and its effects both physically and emotionally. It gives advice for partners of sufferers and also how to handle kids questions and emotions. There are also forums to which I have added a post on just how scared I am feeling and within a couple of hours so many other women going through what I am going through and more have taken the time to reply and tell me their stories. All of them that have replied have told me that my emotions and feelings are completely normal and that we aren't brave or strong. We are just getting on with what we have to. What other choice do we have?

Family and friends don't know what to say so they tell me that I'm going to be fine. I have cancer for fucks sake!! I am already not fine!!

Death has been on my mind a lot today. I'm too young to die. Again I know I shouldn't be thinking this way but cancer is so bloody unpredictable. I keep being told of all the people that have survived and that is great but does that mean that I'm the statistic?

I'm also going back to work tomorrow. This fills me with dread. I work for a supermarket on the deli counter and I'm so worried about not being able to control my emotions and making a fool of myself. Work have been great so far in giving me a few days off to adjust to my news and also my rotas have been changed so that I don't have to open or close the department. From now on I am just doing mid shifts so that if I can't attend work it won't affect other staff or the business. This takes one worry off my mind at least.

As its a big day tomorrow I am going to bed and hopefully being at work again will give me some sense of normality for a while.

Tomorrow will be a better day.