Panic

Monday 1st October and I woke up this morning feeling absolutely vile. My head felt fuzzy, I felt dizzy and my stomach was just full of nerves. I've been having nightmares these last few nights which have not been helping matters either.

I was due in at work for 10:30 and would be working up until1:00pm when I would be leaving to go to hospital for my pre op assessment. I think the thought of just going back to the hospital was making it feel all so real again. The last few days at work had been helping to just take the edge off things but now I was back to working myself up into a right old frenzy. Stupid, I know!

I decided to stay with the situation and I got myself ready for work. Hubby  drove me to work and as we were travelling along the West Wycombe road I could feel my anxiety just rising and rising. Hubby could sense something was wrong and put his hand on my knee. At this point the tears started. As we drove around the back of my work it hit me. PANIC!!! I couldn't breathe. I couldn't see. I was looking ahead trying to focus on something and things started going into tunnel vision....oh Christ, I'm going to faint. I put my head down and tried to control my breathing but I just couldn't. Again things started to look like I was under water and the faint feeling washed over me once more. Hubby ran into the store to explain that I was in a state outside and that he would be taking me home. This left me alone in the car and I was petrified. I couldn't help thinking that I was going to die and hubby wouldn't be with me....I had to phone somebody so I called my auntie. She stayed on the phone with me until hubby arrived telling me that I wasn't going to die. She went through my breathing with me and just tried to calm me down. After about 15 minutes I managed to settle down a bit but it left me feeling so exhausted.

At lunchtime we made our way to Wycombe hospital for my preop assessment. I had to answer lots of questions on my health and any medications that I'm taking. My height was measured and I was weighed. I've lost 2 stone. I knew I had lost weight but I didn't realise it was that much. I also had swabs taken to test me for MRSA and then it was downstairs to have some blood tests. All tests were pretty straight forward and I couldn't quite believe why my body decided to get itself into such a state about things earlier.

Once we got home I slept. I needed it. Just functioning and doing day to day things have been so difficult these last few days. My concentration is shot to pieces and I keep forgetting what day it is. I've spent all day today convinced its Wednesday!

A few hours later I had a call from my mum asking how I had got on. She started to cry on the phone and said she wished that she could take this cancer away from me and have it instead. That was hard to hear. I hate seeing what this stupid cancer is doing to everybody, not just me. I suppose the good that has come from this is that I actually feel loved. I've always kind of known that I am but I have a very strange family set up so I've always felt that I don't really belong anywhere. This feeling has been worse since my dad died. Everybody is worried about me and everybody is in shock and nobody really knows what to say. What can they say?

I have tomorrow off so I am going to relax. My mum is coming up to see me in the morning and then I'm going to spend a few hours with hubby while the kids are at school.

Hopefully I will feel better then for going back to work on Wednesday. I hate letting the guys at work down and I feel guilty for having so much time off. This all adds to my anxiety. They are all being very understanding at work though and nothing they are doing or saying is making me feel that way. It's just my stupid brain.

Tomorrow will be a better day.