I am counting down the days until I have my surgery. I keep
forgetting that my birthday falls before that. I am starting to feel anxious
now. I keep wondering what it will feel like to be put to sleep, which is daft
as I've had three operations in the past. I'm also worrying about these stupid
palpitations that I keep getting. Again that is daft as I've been suffering
with palpitations for years now. They are a common symptom of stress and
anxiety and I AM STRESSED!!
I must try and get rid of these unhelpful thoughts and
concentrate on the positive. I am in the best possible hands of professionals
who are trying to save my life and although being injected with radioactive
liquid and blue dye and having surgery are not nice things to happen, when its
all over the cancer will be gone! Out of my body. Stupid bloody cancer!
I have now been signed off work for 4 weeks as my panic
attacks were getting on top of me. Once again my boss was very understanding
but I still feel a bit pathetic and I hate letting everybody down. I just wish
I could handle this all a little bit better. Stupid bloody panic attacks!
I went into work with hubby to hand in my sick note and
while we were there we decided to buy me some new pyjamas and slippers for my
hospital stay. We also thought it would be a good idea to buy the kids
Halloween costumes now just in case I'm not up to it nearer the time. Part of
my daughters outfit is a neon green wig. I couldn't resist trying it on, taking
a pic and posting it on Facebook. It wasn't long before family and friends were
texting me asking if that was actually my chemo wig. I did laugh. My mum is
already horrified at the prospect of me getting a pink wig. She thinks that I
would be making some sort of statement at a time when I should be trying to
stay normal. I have to agree, I think she has a point. Maybe I'll just get pink
tips or just go blonde. I've never been blonde. At least I'll disprove the fact
the blondes have more fun. Stupid bloody chemo!
Knowing me I'll probably just go with headscarves and
baseball caps. Rock it out gangsta style! FO SHIZZ!
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