It's Tuesday 9th October and tomorrow it all becomes real. This bullshit is actually
happening and it's happening to me. I had a god awful night last night. I just
felt desperately sorry for myself and my husband but mostly my kids. I had a
night of "why me?" and "why us?" and "why now?"
I had no answers apart from why shouldn't it be me? I'm no
more special than any other person. I keep thinking to myself that maybe this
is karma for some bad shit I've said or done in my past. I must have done
something to deserve this. But why my kids? What have they ever done to be put
through this crap? I hate the unfairness of it all. Cancer sucks and I'm not
even at the hard bit yet!
The good part about tomorrow is that the cancer is coming
out. The bad part is, well it's just all of it. The radioactive injection to
begin with. This is to detect lymph nodes with the help of x-rays before
surgery. I'm scared that its going to hurt or if I might have some sort of
reaction to it. I'm also slightly concerned that it might turn me into a mutant
ninja turtle!
Then there is the blue dye that will be injected into me
during surgery. Again I'm worried about having an allergic reaction to it and
also the fact that its going to leave me looking like a bloody smurf for a few
days doesn't fill me with joy. I know, laugh it up!
As for the surgery itself, well this is causing the most
unhelpful thoughts to enter my stupid brain! What will it feel like when they
put me under? (I've had surgery, I already know but still. STUPID BRAIN) What
if I panic as I start to feel sleepy? What if I don't wake up? What if I don't
fall asleep properly? What if I'm awake on the table but can't say anything
because I'm paralysed? (I'd like to thank the Daily Mail for that last one)
WHAT IF? WHAT IF? WHAT IF?
So that's the state of me right now. It's good in a way
because I shall wake up tomorrow afternoon and it won't be as bad as I've
clearly been expecting. I just want it over and done with now.
LET'S GET THIS SHOW ON THE ROAD!
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