Ok. It was gonna happen at some point and here it is. The wanky bollocks bit.
Now I realise I've spent quite a lot of time moaning and waffling on about how pathetic I am and just how rubbish cancer is, but believe it or not there are actually some good points about it. For me anyway.
I will start with how I've come to realise just exactly what and who matters in my life. Cancer has made me look at my own mortality. It made me stop and think shit, life is short. Not that my life is going to be any shorter, I mean my doctors can't even answer that one....but you know, cancer IS a life threatening disease. Cancer has just made me stop and think.
I've spent most of my life feeling sorry for myself. I don't want to go into too much family detail but it's fair to say that I didn't have the conventional upbringing. In fact I was raised by my grandparents who I called mum and dad. I lost my mum at a young age and my dad in 2011. Although they would do anything for me and loved me, I always had that feeling of never truly belonging anywhere. That old cliche of the missing jigsaw piece I suppose. When my dad died my world fell apart. I felt alone. It was a horrible time and it lead to a nervous breakdown. I felt I had no place in the Ramsay family, I didn't belong anywhere. I just couldn't work out where I fitted in and in a weird way I was happy to be alone. I pushed everybody away. A defence mechanism, because if I pushed everybody away first then that way they couldn't hurt me. But then the cancer came and along with it came an outpouring of love. People who I had convinced myself wouldn't really be that bothered about what happened to me were crying. They were offering support and phoning to be kept updated with news on how I was. They were visiting me and bringing gifts and offering advice and calming me down on the phone when I was panicking. I suddenly realised just how much my family do love me. They won't admit that though as they are all hard bastards, obviously.
I realise now that I do belong. Not just within the Ramsay family, but within my own.
My kids and their dad, my gosh how I've taken them for granted. I've moaned about their behaviour, I've moaned about life being so shit without any money, I've moaned about life not being exciting enough and quite frankly last year I let them all down badly. I behaved in a way that I'm not exactly proud of but again the cancer has made me stop and think about just how lucky I am. I'm lucky to have them, because I wouldn't be able to go through this without them. Hubby is, to use another cliche, my rock. He is listening to me moaning, he is wiping my tears when I'm crying. He is cooking for me when I'm having bad days and he keeps me calm when panic sets in. My kids make me laugh on a daily basis and have handled all of this so amazingly well. They make me feel so proud. They make me feel that this is where I truly belong. I love them all with all of my heart.
I'm lucky to be surrounded by so much love and support. Not just from my family but from friends too. Denise, Jo B, Annabel and Jackie have all stepped up to the mark and kept a smile on my chops. BEST FRIENDS FOREVER.
Also new friends that I have made even though I wish the circumstances could be so, so different. Mandy, Tracey, Gina, Sharon and Mel. Thank you for your support and long may we reign. XX
I can't not mention Twitter. Thousands of strangers who support me and wish me well and encourage me and ask me how I am doing. It amazes me. I thank you too.
Some people aren't so lucky and have to go through things like this alone. I can't even begin to imagine how frightening that must feel.....and that is another thing that I have to keep repeating to myself. There are always people far worse off than I am.
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