It takes me a good couple of hours to settle back down from that dream. It really weirded me out, but by 3:00am I am drifting off again and manage to last until about 6:00am.
I was totally at a low this morning. Today it has been two years since I lost my dad. I can't control my sobbing and I want my dad so much. I always felt safe with my dad around. He was such a lovely man and I think back to all the time I spent with him as a little girl walking our dog and digging in the garden. Life was good and fun and worry free and now it's, well, I guess.....real.
I feel totally depressed and tell hubby that I've had enough, I can't do this. I want to completely give up and am pissed off with the fact that my eyes even opened this morning. This is just the beginning of my chemo journey and , to be fair, I've had a pretty easy ride so far, but looking ahead to the next four months just completely overwhelms me. How am I going to do this? How does anybody get through this?.......and then what if the cancer comes back and then I have to do it all again? My brain goes into overdrive and I crash. There is snot and everything!
8:30am and hubby decides that I should do a shopping list! A SHOPPING LIST FFS!
I want to tell him to stick his shopping list where the sun don't shine. Can he not see the state I'm in. Idiot.
My brain can't function on the task and I soon become very frustrated and yet more tears flow, but after about an hour and with some very patient help from hubby the list is done and he heads off to Asda. I feel slightly chirpier and get up and wash my hair and change into some clean pyjamas. It suddenly becomes apparent the distraction technique that hubby has just used on me. OH HE'S GOOD.
Hubby was meant to go back to work tonight but is going to take one more night as I'm still not ready. I'm 37 years old but so afraid to be left alone right now. I'm scared that I will have a funny turn or have a panic attack. I've got to try and stop thinking about bloody panic attacks!
By lunchtime I am feeling so much better and eat the biggest cheese, ham and tomato sandwich I have ever seen. Unfortunately this is soon followed by bright yellow diarrhoea, which is quite alarming.
I'm not quite up to visiting my dad at the crematorium today so I decide to switch on the television and see what films are on. Low and behold there is a John Wayne movie on called The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance. I would always watch this with my dad when ever it was on TV and its one of my favourite films. I take this as a sign that my dad is with me and settle down to watch the film with a smile on my face.
My appetite returns with a vengeance today and the plate of med veg and pasta that hubby cooks for me goes down a treat. So many smells and flavours, oh how I've missed them. The only downside is that this is soon followed again by another trip to the loo with yellow diarrhoea. My stomach does settle and it only seems to happen after eating but I will mention it to my oncologist tomorrow. My anxiety levels are probably speeding things up a little too.
My mum calls me late afternoon to see how I am and she lets me know that she left some flowers with dad from me. This makes me feel better about not getting to go myself.
She informs me that my brother has told her about this blog and she would like to have a read. I send her a link and she confirms that she has it. Her first words then are "Oh Lorna, there's swearing in this" I have a nervous little giggle but as soon as I'm off the phone I'm checking to make sure there is nothing too bad. I think I'll be ok.
I hope she enjoys the read.......HI MUM
The rest of the evening goes by without much bother and I am asleep before 9pm. I wake a few times but only for short periods.
Oh, before I go I will leave you with a picture of my new soft toy. Hubby and son picked him up for me when they went shopping. He was a lovely surprise and I think I'll name him Reg.
So sorry to hear you had a rough time, I hope you're feeling better today.
ReplyDeleteAnniversaries are always tough. I used to watch John Wayne films (and re-runs of The Invaders) with my Dad, made me smile when you said the film was on.
Reg is ACE! No reply necessary :) x