I have toast for breakfast and my stomach is making the loudest gurgling noises I have ever heard it make. My tummy feels very unsettled but I don't feel sick, just very much out of sorts and my anxiety level is creeping up. I go to the toilet and whilst in there a little bit of sick comes up into my mouth from nowhere. This causes me to have a little split second panic but I manage to keep everything down and decide that I need to get myself as relaxed as I can again. I tell myself that I'm feeling this way just because I've been left alone for the first time since chemo. My body has had quite a nasty shock and its only normal to feel so utterly ghastly! I'm just so afraid of having a funny turn or throwing up. My brain really knows how to wind me up.
I lay in bed and start writing my diary and I soon start to feel a little better.
Today ends up being the worst day so far. This hits me hard, especially after having such a great day yesterday. I feel EXTREMELY weak and spend the entire day back in bed like a useless raggy doll. I manage to sit up and eat small amounts but I can't sleep and spend a lot of time with tears rolling down my cheeks. I just can't seem to get a handle on things at all.
Distraction usually helps but even just lifting up a book or my iPad takes so much effort.
Friends have left me text messages and messages on Facebook etc and I just can't be bothered to respond. I feel bad about this but I am sure they will understand.
Tomorrow will be the second anniversary of my dads death and I'm not sure how much this has had an impact on me today. It's certainly playing on my mind and I hate the fact that I might not be able to go and visit him at the crematorium.
It's shit. Everything is just so very very shit.
So sorry you had such a ropey time yesterday. Hits you extra hard after a good day - and so hard on a good day not to overdo it a bit.
ReplyDeleteMy Dad's not too far away from me, as the crow flies. Without trees and houses I could see him in the cemetery from here. I don't always make it to see him on the important days either, so I understand where you are coming from.
If you don't get to the Crem, your Dad won't mind in the slightest, and he certainly wouldn't want you to feel bad.
Big love to you - no reply necessary X