Do you know what I did?
I got diagnosed with Breast Cancer and boy did that fill a gap!!
The problem I have now is that we are four years down the road and the Rio Olympics have just finished and once again it was bloody marvellous. I was hoping it wouldn't be marvellous. I was hoping that the feeling would be very different from four years ago. Not because I want Team GB to fail but because I thought maybe it would somehow put my mind at ease. You see, my stupid brain is convinced that because I had cancer after the last Olympics that I'm going to get cancer again now that these Olympics have ended. I know myself just how mad that sounds but what can I do to stop my brain being a prick?
I was diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) when my treatment ended and I think this may have something to do with it. I am living in this flashback.
One of the odd things that is happening to me at the moment is something that I named 'mushy hand syndrome'. That's not the medical term, but basically whilst I was having chemo my skin would often feel mushy. This sensation was worse in my hands and my face. The only way I can describe this feeling is that my face and hands were made of papier-mâché .
My skin would become clammy and then the mushiness would begin. I would spend ages staring at my hands, I could see that they looked normal, but the feeling was very disturbing.
That feeling has come back and it's freaking me out. I know that it is 'in my head' but it feels very real and mix that with the Olympics ending and my mammogram that's booked for the end of September, my anxious brain is all of a dither.
I am always interested to hear if others have these same thoughts and feelings. Do you have triggers that put you right back there in that moment? Smells that cause sweaty palms or dreams that have you jumping out of bed?
Or is it me simply going mad?
Peace, Love and chocolate cake X 
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