In one way it feels just like yesterday. In other ways it feels like a life time ago. I remember the fear slowly creeping its way up through my body as I kept checking and re-checking the lump that was in my breast. I don't know why I kept checking it, it was obvious that it was there. A hard solid mass, about the size of a grape, that didn't move as I prodded and poked at it. I had found tiny lumps before, smaller than pea size, and I remember the doctor saying that as they moved around when trying to feel them meant that it was usually a good sign. This lump was definitely not moving.
Something about this lump was different. I knew it was cancer. I sat on my bed and cried and I said out loud "This time next year I will probably be dead"
It's good to know that I can be wrong about some things!
What a year it's been though. A year full of emotions ranging from fear and the deepest darkest depressions to happiness and joy. Not to mention the anger, WOW.....I even blew my own socks off with that one.
I've been mad at every one and every thing. Part of me still is. The rage I've had at the stupid cancer for scaring the hell out of all the people that love me and for putting me in hospital so many times and making me feel isolated. I wanted to kick the shit out of something the day the nurses told me I wouldn't be going home for my daughters birthday. I sobbed so hard that day. The nurses pulled the curtain around me and told me to swear. One nurse had her arms around my shoulders while the other held my hands as I cursed through snot and tears "I can't fucking do this any more. It's so fucking unfair....why can't you just fuck off cancer with your bullshit chemo, you fucking bastard prick!" ( sorry mum )
I was mad in the days before diagnosis when I was told not to worry. I was mad after my diagnosis when people told me that I would be fine. I still get mad when people tell me to stay positive, like I don't know that already. It's hard to be positive when you have pain or when a hot flush takes you by surprise or when you're just so god damn tired after doing a bit of washing up that you need a two hour nap. Sometimes it's ok to have bad days. There are plenty of them to be had during the "journey" That's why when I'm asked how I'm feeling I just reply with "I'm fine."
Unless it's hubby or mother asking in which case they get the full horrific details.
I've also been angry and frustrated at people's responses now that treatment has ended. That was when it hit home for me what had just happened. Going through chemo and radiation and isolation I just got on with it. Adrenalin being the driving force, but when it all ends and the ride comes to a stop that's when it dawned on me. SHIT, I had cancer. Depression set in, panic attacks were really hitting home and my self confidence now at an all time low with my stupid hair. I know, I know, it seems ridiculous to moan about my hair after being completely bald but when I was bald it was obvious to most people that I was having cancer treatment. Now I just look like I have a really crappy hair cut. I've always had long hair and I hate this bloody curly crop that I have now. I joke about it as that's my coping strategy. A defence mechanism if you like, but deep down I miss my hair so very much. So with all these feelings suddenly hitting me like a ton of bricks I am then confronted by people who just assume that now treatment is over that that's it. Everything is fine now, get back to work, life is normal again. If only life were so simple.
As it happens though, these feelings are beginning to calm down some what and I am feeling ready to get back to work, although I won't be rushing in full time. I am going to take things steady.
Looking to the future is something that I try not to do now as it frightens me a little. Recurrence and thinking about having to go through all this again will always be at the back of my mind. Every little pain or headache that I experience from now on will have me wondering if this is it, here we go again. Only a pain in the hip or head could mean a very different prognosis the next time around. Then it becomes a case of being treatable but not curable. Not that a cure for cancer exists but you get the general idea. I am currently suffering with pain in my breast and armpit which I am putting down to the radiotherapy and I am due my first mammogram since all this began. My stomach is already in knots at the thought of something being found but I have to try and distract myself from these thoughts and I do that with meditation. I have been reading a bit about Buddhism and I like what I have read so far. The meditation side of this has helped me immensely with my anxiety and to stay focused on the here and now. I'm not here to knock anybody else's beliefs but I know I've had it up to the eyeballs with God. At the same time I felt that I needed something to see me through the rough times. After reading about Adam Yauch ( that's MCA from the Beastie Boys ) and how Buddhism impacted on his life I thought this could be the guidance that I was looking for. I'm not a hardcore Buddhist but I am certainly trying my best to live by some of the Dalai Lamas quotes. He's a pretty cool dude you know.
The fatigue is slowly getting better now and day by day I can feel my strength returning. Getting out for walks on my own hasn't been easy but I'm doing it and this has lifted my spirits also.
I know that I will never be the old Lorna but then that's not such a bad thing. I'm definitely not dead though and that's the main thing.
Peace, Love and Chocolate Cake x
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