Wake up after a good nights sleep at 5:45am. I have a bit of a headache and I am aware that I have been sweating quite a lot in my sleep. My palpitations are also quite strong and alarm me slightly, especially as I am yet to take my steroids. My heart rate tends to raise an hour or so after taking my steroids. I think I will call the chemo unit again this morning just to put my mind at ease.
Other than this though I'm feeling pretty good and I think I might actually get up today and go for a little walk. I have a wash and get dressed and go downstairs. I am feeling really good until hubby breaks the news about his wages. Because the first dose of chemo made me so ill and I ended up in hospital, hubby had to take time off work to look after me and most importantly the children. We have nobody else that we can rely on. Hubby got paid £300. This doesn't even cover the rent let alone other bills and food for the rest of the month.
I get overly stressed about this and spend all morning talking to MacMillan and try to sort out what benefits we may be entitled to. I end up arguing with hubby and I end up in a right state. I have no idea how the hell we are going to get through this and I end up feeling very ill. I go back to bed early afternoon with a splitting headache and feeling very wobbly. I'm overly emotional and collapse on the bathroom floor. I can't stop sobbing.
Hubby has gone back to work this evening and this has left me feeling very panicky and alone. To make matters worse poor Emily is not feeling well with stomach pains and feeling sick. I feel like I can't care for her properly and I feel like such a failure.
This is the hardest thing I have ever gone through and I feel like nobody really cares. Stupid comments on Facebook from people who mean well but have absolutely no idea what they are talking about really got to me and I had a hissy fit and deactivated for a few hours just to stop me from blowing a very public gasket. This is more my problem than theirs though as my head wasn't in a great place.
I even told hubby today that I would be better off dead because then he wouldn't have to worry about looking after me. I'm just a bloody burden on everybody and all of their stress is because of me and my inability to cope with this.
I CAN'T DO THIS.
SOMEBODY JUST MAKE IT ALL GO AWAY!!
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