Chemo 2 - Day 3

Thursday 28th February,2013

Wake up after a good nights sleep at 5:45am. I have a bit of a headache and I am aware that I have been sweating quite a lot in my sleep. My palpitations are also quite strong and alarm me slightly, especially as I am yet to take my steroids. My heart rate tends to raise an hour or so after taking my steroids. I think I will call the chemo unit again this morning just to put my mind at ease.
Other than this though I'm feeling pretty good and I think I might actually get up today and go for a little walk. I have a wash and get dressed and go downstairs. I am feeling really good until hubby breaks the news about his wages. Because the first dose of chemo made me so ill and I ended up in hospital, hubby had to take time off work to look after me and most importantly the children. We have nobody else that we can rely on. Hubby got paid £300. This doesn't even cover the rent let alone other bills and food for the rest of the month.
I get overly stressed about this and spend all morning talking to MacMillan and try to sort out what benefits we may be entitled to. I end up arguing with hubby and I end up in a right state. I have no idea how the hell we are going to get through this and I end up feeling very ill. I go back to bed early afternoon with a splitting headache and feeling very wobbly. I'm overly emotional and collapse on the bathroom floor. I can't stop sobbing.

Hubby has gone back to work this evening and this has left me feeling very panicky and alone. To make matters worse poor Emily is not feeling well with stomach pains and feeling sick. I feel like I can't care for her properly and I feel like such a failure.
This is the hardest thing I have ever gone through and I feel like nobody really cares. Stupid comments on Facebook from people who mean well but have absolutely no idea what they are talking about really got to me and I had a hissy fit and deactivated for a few hours just to stop me from blowing a very public gasket. This is more my problem than theirs though as my head wasn't in a great place.
I even told hubby today that I would be better off dead because then he wouldn't have to worry about looking after me. I'm just a bloody burden on everybody and all of their stress is because of me and my inability to cope with this.

I CAN'T DO THIS.

SOMEBODY JUST MAKE IT ALL GO AWAY!!

Chemo 2 - Day 2

KNACKERED!

Can't call my chemo nurse until 9am so decide to go with my steroids first. The confusion lies with my oncologist telling me that she would reduce my steroid intake but increase my anti-sickness meds. When I got my drugs though I noticed that my steroids were prescribed at the same dose as last time. I'm now confused as whether to take one of the steroids in the morning and anti-sickness at lunch time or if I should carry on with the usual two doses of steroids. I've really gone and confused my brain. It's not a hard thing to do.

I called the chemo unit just after 9am and Teresa, the nurse who gave me my 1st chemo, answered the phone. She went through all of my meds step by step, making sure that I was writing everything down. She also went through other meds that I could take to help with other side effects and she made a point of telling me to keep in touch if I have any other problems at all. Teresa is just absolutely brilliant.
My appetite continues to be good and I don't seem to be experiencing any strange tastes or weird smells this time around.

My mum arrives around 1pm and I go downstairs and sit with her. This was something I definitely couldn't do after my 1st chemo. The only thing that seems to be bothering me at the moment is the hot flushes. Whilst chatting to my mum I am very aware of the heat radiating from my cheeks and they are very, very red!
This continues well into the evening and I end up taking my temperature several times paranoid that I have a fever again. There is no fever though and I eventually cool down just in time for bed.
I notice I am having a few palpitations just as I am drifting off to sleep but I try to put them to the back of my mind.
It's 11pm when I manage to get to sleep and I don't wake until 5:45am. I am very happy with this as this time last chemo I was awake ALL NIGHT LONG!!