Happy New Year......

2013. That was some year eh?

After surgery at the end of 2012, I began 2013 with chemotherapy followed by 4 weeks of radiotherapy.

Chemo sucked. I can't even properly put into words just how much chemo totally and utterly sucked but boy, it sucked bad! The hair loss was an experience in itself and the nausea, which thanks to the high dose steroids didn't turn into full scale vomiting, was hideous. The steroids kept me awake for pretty much days at a time but left me so starving hungry. All I could eat was ginger biscuits though, which I munched through six packets at a time. I'm still finding open packets of ginger nuts around the house now.

The chemo also caused mouth ulcers that were so painful and at one stage the inside of my mouth began peeling. I won't go into too much detail about the bright yellow diarrhea but I will never ever forget hubby and his gentle touch with the sudocrem. He won't let me forget!

The worst part of the chemo was the damage it did to my blood. It killed off ALL of my infection fighting white blood cells leaving me with no protection against infections. This happened on 3 occasions and each time I got an infection ranging from shingles to chest infections. The term for this is called neutropenic sepsis and could kill me so 3 times I had to spend in isolation being pumped full of hardcore antibiotics. I have never been so scared in all of my life and on the third occasion I really thought my luck had run out. It was at this stage that my oncologist decided to stop chemo. I needed potassium infusions as well as blood transfusions and platelets transfusion. The risk of chemo killing me was too great so the next step was radiotherapy. 

Radiotherapy was a breeze. A painful breeze but on the upside I could finally leave my bed and walk. My strength was returning. The journey to Oxford every day for 4 weeks was tiring and the radiotherapy itself left me fatigued.

By October I had the strength to return to work for a few hours a week.

2013 wasn't all bad though. I had a glorious week in Cornwall. I dreamt of those beaches whilst I was isolated and depressed in hospital. To actually be there with the sun on my face seeing my kids have fun in the sea, it was beautiful.

My best friend had a little girl and I was asked to be her godmother. I was honoured and we all had a lovely time when Eloise was christened.

The Willow foundation also paid for me to have a party in a hotel to celebrate the end of my cancer treatment. The Willow foundation is a charity that organises special days for young people between the ages of 16-40 with serious illnesses. They organised a function room with buffet and disco for 80 people so all my family could celebrate with me.

2013 also brought me closer to my mum who has been amazing through all of this. She has kept me calm and looked after me. She has also kept me entertained via Skype. I've honestly never needed her more and she was there. I can't explain how much that means to me but it means A LOT! 

2013 was also the year that I met Bananarama thanks to my beautiful friends Jackie and Jo. Jackie treated me to tickets for Rock the Moor and Jo had contacts and so arranged the back stage meet. I cried when Jo told me the news as 4 times I had written to Jim'll Fix it and 4 times he ignored me. I mean that man has done some terrible things but that takes the bloody biscuit! 

The day was bloody amazing and as is often the case, I became star struck and made a complete arse of myself. I shall never forget Sara Dallins face as I whipped my bandana off and showed her my bald head. I even offered to let her stroke it. I blame the drugs!

Bob Mortimer tweeted me as did Prince and Boy George and Nick Neyward followed me on twitter.

Bob Mortimer then tweeted about free tickets to his new sitcom with Vic Reeves. I managed to get 2 of these tickets and a couple of weeks ago I headed to Elstree where I also got to meet SharonGooner. We have been tweeting each other for over 3 years now. Total strangers but best of friends. Her a Gooner, me a Spurs fan but we have wrong lyrics that we share a love of. It was a lovely end to a crappy year.

2013 has changed me. I'm angry about some stuff and I know just who and what is important to me now. I don't have time for idiots and I try to not sweat the small stuff. 

2011 was the year I lost my dad. Every year since then has been awful. I will be giving 2013 a big fat fuck off because 2014 is my year. It has to be.

I wish all of you a healthy and very happy new year and I want to thank you all again for your support and helping me to raise almost £2000 for cancer research when I did my Race for Life back in June. Your comments and messages have really kept me going and kept me smiling, which is important. From the bottom of my heart THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU XXXX

Peace, Love and Chocolate cake xxx

Great news for now......

Yesterday I went for my mammogram results. This mammogram was the first one since being diagnosed with breast cancer a year ago so as you can imagine I was nervous, no not nervous, fucking terrified of what the results would be.

A good result means that all the bullshit treatment I endured in the last 12 months has worked. A bad result means I have to go through all the bullshit again but this time with a double mastectomy. That's if I'm lucky. It could also mean I've reached the final level of game play. No more levels to complete.

As it turned out, the results were good. I cried a little as the weight of the world lifted from my shoulders. I high fived the hubby and immediately shared the good news with family and friends. This resulted in lots of messages, LOTS of messages. Some from complete strangers. This again made me do a little cry. WOOO, YEAH, GREAT NEWS all of which is true but then YOU KICKED CANCERS ASS! ..........now I don't mean to put a downer on things because it is great news. It's the best possible news I could have hoped for and I will be celebrating in style but I had to clarify the situation with my breast cancer consultant, Mr Cunnick. The results mean that I am free of cancer AT THIS TIME. I will have to go for mammograms yearly until I reach the age of 50 and with the type of cancer that I have, the chance of recurrence is higher for me within the first two years. Mr Cunnick reassured me that they would still be keeping an eye on me throughout the year and if I develop any new symptoms such as breathlessness, headaches, aches and pains anywhere that won't shift then I should report these straight away. These are signs that the cancer cells have spread and turned into secondary breast cancer in the lung, brain and bones. Also it's very important to continue being self aware, checking my boobs and armpits once a month for lumps or any other changes. I can't stress enough how important it is to be self aware. It played a part in my luck so far. When I discovered my lump it was only 2.5cm in size. The tumour was located in one place and the cancer had not spread to my lymph nodes. All of these things mean that my chances of surviving the next 5 years are good. Had the cancer spread to my lymph nodes then my prognosis would not have been as good. So please, PLEASE check yourselves regularly. Not just those of you over a certain age....ALL OF YOU. Cancer doesn't give a shit how old you are. 

I have 12 more months to go before I am out of the 2 year zone and then I can breathe another sigh of relief. After this the chance of recurrence becomes smaller again. Once I get to 5 years I might just start relaxing. So as you can see as a cancer survivor I am never out of the woods but right now it feels pretty good.

There are ladies that I have made friends with and who I love and admire who were given the same results as me only for cancer to come back. Those ladies are living with cancer now, forever. Treatments are available to keep them living for as long as possible. Some women live 10 years or more on these treatments. Others sadly don't. All of these ladies are in my thoughts today. Keep checking yourselves, donate some money to Cancer Research. Stand Up To Cancer........because we need to stop losing amazing people to this shitty disease.

Peace, Love and Chocolate Cake.

I'm off to buy wine :) X 

Happy Lumpiversary!

So here I am, one year on from that discovery that would change my life forever, just like that, in a click of the fingers.

In one way it feels just like yesterday. In other ways it feels like a life time ago. I remember the fear slowly creeping its way up through my body as I kept checking and re-checking the lump that was in my breast. I don't know why I kept checking it, it was obvious that it was there. A hard solid mass, about the size of a grape, that didn't move as I prodded and poked at it. I had found tiny lumps before, smaller than pea size, and I remember the doctor saying that as they moved around when trying to feel them meant that it was usually a good sign. This lump was definitely not moving.

Something about this lump was different. I knew it was cancer. I sat on my bed and cried and I said out loud "This time next year I will probably be dead" 

It's good to know that I can be wrong about some things!

What a year it's been though. A year full of emotions ranging from fear and the deepest darkest depressions to happiness and joy. Not to mention the anger, WOW.....I even blew my own socks off with that one.

I've been mad at every one and every thing. Part of me still is. The rage I've had at the stupid cancer for scaring the hell out of all the people that love me and for putting me in hospital so many times and making me feel isolated. I wanted to kick the shit out of something the day the nurses told me I wouldn't be going home for my daughters birthday. I sobbed so hard that day. The nurses pulled the curtain around me and told me to swear. One nurse had her arms around my shoulders while the other held my hands as I cursed through snot and tears "I can't fucking do this any more. It's so fucking unfair....why can't you just fuck off cancer with your bullshit chemo, you fucking bastard prick!" ( sorry mum )

I was mad in the days before diagnosis when I was told not to worry. I was mad after my diagnosis when people told me that I would be fine. I still get mad when people tell me to stay positive, like I don't  know that already. It's hard to be positive when you have pain or when a hot flush takes you by surprise or when you're just so god damn tired after doing a bit of washing up that you need a two hour nap. Sometimes it's ok to have bad days. There are plenty of them to be had during the "journey" That's why when I'm asked how I'm feeling I just reply with "I'm fine."

Unless it's hubby or mother asking in which case they get the full horrific details.

I've also been angry and frustrated at people's responses now that treatment has ended. That was when it hit home for me what had just happened. Going through chemo and radiation and isolation I just got on with it. Adrenalin being the driving force, but when it all ends and the ride comes to a stop that's when it dawned on me. SHIT, I had cancer. Depression set in, panic attacks were really hitting home and my self confidence now at an all time low with my stupid hair. I know, I know, it seems ridiculous to moan about my hair after being completely bald but when I was bald it was obvious to most people that I was having cancer treatment. Now I just look like I have a really crappy hair cut. I've always had long hair and I hate this bloody curly crop that I have now. I joke about it as that's my coping strategy. A  defence   mechanism if you like, but deep down I miss my hair so very much. So with all these feelings suddenly hitting me like a ton of bricks I am then confronted by people who just assume that now treatment is over that that's it. Everything is fine now, get back to work, life is normal again. If only life were so simple.

As it happens though, these feelings are beginning to calm down some what and I am feeling ready to get back to work, although I won't be rushing in full time. I am going to take things steady. 

Looking to the future is something that I try not to do now as it frightens me a little. Recurrence and thinking about having to go through all this again will always be at the back of my mind. Every little pain or headache that I experience from now on will have me wondering if this is it, here we go again. Only a pain in the hip or head could mean a very different prognosis the next time around. Then it becomes a case of being treatable but not curable. Not that a cure for cancer exists but you get the general idea. I am currently suffering with pain in my breast and armpit which I am putting down to the radiotherapy and I am due my first mammogram since all this began. My stomach is already in knots at the thought of something being found but I have to try and distract myself from these thoughts and I do that with meditation. I have been reading a bit about Buddhism and I like what I have read so far. The meditation side of this has helped me immensely with my anxiety and to stay focused on the here and now. I'm not here to knock anybody else's beliefs but I know I've had it up to the eyeballs with God. At the same time I felt that I needed something to see me through the rough times. After reading about Adam Yauch ( that's MCA from the Beastie Boys ) and how Buddhism impacted on his life I thought this could be the guidance that I was looking for. I'm not a hardcore Buddhist but I am certainly trying my best to live by some of the Dalai Lamas quotes. He's a pretty cool dude you know.

The fatigue is slowly getting better now and day by day I can feel my strength returning. Getting out for walks on my own hasn't been easy but I'm doing it and this has lifted my spirits also.

I know that I will never be the old Lorna but then that's not such a bad thing. I'm definitely not dead though and that's the main thing.

Peace, Love and Chocolate Cake x

An open letter...

Dear Cancer,

FUCK YOU!

Love From

Lorna x

My Breast Cancer.....no words