Only I didn't, not really.
My oncologist has stopped it half way through because (and these are her words not mine) the threat to my life is just too great to continue.
I should have finished the full 6 rounds of chemo by now but I've only managed to get to round 3. If I continued at this rate I would be looking at September before it ends. The trouble is my cells just can't hack it. My oncologist told me that it has been a long time since she has seen somebody, especially of my age, that has been so intolerant to the chemo. She had to make a choice between my safety now and my safety in the next 5 to 10 years. I guess I'd rather take 5 years over 3 months.
Why is it so dangerous? Well, normally a patient would have chemo and around 7 to 10 days later their neutrophils will drop. Neutrophils are the white blood cells that fight off bacterial infections. This is why chemo patients need to be careful with hygiene and to stay away from people who are sick.
The neutrophils will then start to pick up again ready for the next round of chemo.
Sometimes, as was the case with me, a chemo patient will have daily injections in their stomach to increase the production of these white blood cells.
2.5 - 7.0 is a normal white cell count. If the count drops below 1 it is classed as being neutropenic, meaning that you have no immune system. If you get a temperature if means you need to get to hospital straight away as you could have an infection. This is what happened to me after every chemo. My neutrophil count was 0 and with an infection meant I was neutropenic sepsis. I would then have to spend several days in isolation with heavy duty antibiotics going straight into my veins. What worried my consultant also was the fact that the daily injections in my stomach were not helping at all. They should have been producing white cells to prevent neutropenia, but were doing nothing. She even asked if I was having the injections, she thought maybe I wasn't bothering with them.
So that was one problem with my cells. The other problems were the red cells. Every chemo left me anaemic, which left me feeling very tired and breathless and also my platelets would be low, leaving me spotty and bruised. I also needed potassium infusions.
To put it bluntly I've been fucking ill. Whilst I was in hospital several people pointed out that I should enjoy the rest and not worry about housework. Now I didn't want to sound "not positive" so I didn't mention that I haven't done any housework since January because I've pretty much been in bed since then. I'm sure that sounds like heaven to people who are all working hard and longing for a day off.....believe me, it's no fun at all. My cells were taking longer to recover each time making the gaps between each chemo longer, dragging the whole process out. Even with transfusions.
So the decision was made. Chemo is over. I cried with relief when those words were said out loud but I also cried because part of me feels like such a failure. Part of me also feels like I did 3, pretty fucking amazing considering how ill it made me.
I'm also scared. What if 3 isn't enough? What if the cancer returns in the next 5 years? Will I blame myself for not being able to get through the 6 rounds? Did I do enough? But then again I could have had the 6 rounds of chemo and the cancer come back anyway. Cancer is a bit of a bastard like that.
Now I know I've had a bit of a moan but I've always tried to keep my funny face on. Only my mum and Darren have seen the real me through this. I don't want people judging me and thinking that I'm not being very positive but here the truth comes out.
Since January life has been shit. I have cried every single day. Some days I've just had a little weep but other days I've been a heap on the floor sobbing my heart out. Some days in hospital when I've felt so ill, I've even begged for it to all end. I've wanted to die only to wake up the next day and not feel so bad again.
I'm not giving up though and I never will and now chemo is over I'm already beginning to feel like the old me. I'm still very tired but I'm going for longer walks. I've not managed to dance all the way through a song yet, but I have danced. I've even signed myself up to do the Race for Life so all sponsors are gratefully received :)
I see the breast surgeon in a few days time to discuss about having a double mastectomy so there is still plenty of fighting to do yet, at least now I can do if with a smile on my face.
Sorry to Kat, Emily and George for not being fun mum these last few months. I will make it up to you. I promise x
